Pages

Monday, June 16, 2014

Is It Nap Time Yet?

I feel like this is my life motto lately. I literally wake up and the first thing I do is plan my next nap time.
 
Not literally. Marlee demands attention waaay before I get any actual intelligent thought in my head.
 
Lately I have not been sleeping well. And of course my anxiety is at all time high because of this. Or maybe my lack of sleep is because of the anxiety? Either way, they are directly correlated and its sucking me dry. I am either too hot, or too cold, or uncomfortable, or have a bad dream that I can't shake quick enough to fall back asleep.
 
My OB appointment for baby number 2 was last Thursday and I have been having anxiety ever since I scheduled this appointment. I am not even sure why I feel this way. I am having way more symptoms then I did with Marlee but still don't 'feel' pregnant. I have the textbook nausea (just barely), fatigue, cravings, and bloating. I obviously have take several pregnancy tests and the doctor confirmed it - I'm pregnant! - but I feel different. So I was so anxious to finally get to hear a heartbeat at my appointment - maybe just so it would feel more real!
 
Well we did the 20 question interrogation as usual - 'Second baby?' 'Any symptoms?' 'Any bleeding?' 'Do you smoke?' 'Is Dad healthy?' 'How was the birth of baby number one?' Etc etc. Then we had to do the exam and she said we would try to hear the heartbeat since I was 'thin' and almost 10 weeks along (I was nine weeks and 4 days). So she applied the cold gel and waved the magic wand but there was nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
 
It was hard. Really hard. She said it was too early. I knew it was too early. But I wanted to hear it so bad. I was waiting and praying and hoping for a beat. She asked if I wanted an ultrasound but I declined. My husband was not there and I did not want to get all upset over nothing. It was too early. I just have to wait two more weeks and she said I could come back to hear it. Just because we could not hear it does not mean that there is not one.
 
But my anxiety is not at bay. I am restless and secretly distraught. I need to snap out of it and realize that we didn't even go to our first appointment with Marlee till after 12 weeks. Everything just felt so much more real with her.
 
Now that my anxiety is out there, maybe my anxiety will subside for a bit. A little release of emotions. My next appointment is the 26th which is a little over a week away. I should be pretty busy between now and then so my mind will be full - hopefully.
 
Here's to busy schedules and even busier minds!