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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Surprise! It's a Girl!

Yes, Marlee is a girl. 

We found out a year ago today that we were going to be parents to a bouncing baby girl. 

Of course we wanted a healthy baby, as does everyone, but it was also very widely known that we wanted a boy. We had the name and the plan for the nursery all ready. We were just waiting on the ultrasound to confirm our wishes. Even Isaac was super excited to have a baby brother to teach baseball and play video games with. Boy, boy, boy everything. 

So the day of the ultrasound, we went to Target and looked at cute little boy outfits and searched for decor since the nursery was soon to be started. I drank the biggest Starbucks fruity something or another and was just dying for the ultrasound to begin! Finally, it was time and we headed to the doctors office. 

I jumped up on the table and swore my bladder was going to explode. As soon as I saw that little peanut though, the bladder was of little relevance. We looked at the spine and the toes and the fingers. The belly was so big and baby was moving all over the place. We waited and waited and then it was time. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and Nick held my hand with excitement. The tech zoomed in and typed 'It's a girl' on the screen. 

A girl. 

A baby girl.

A pink and frilly baby girl.

Nick squeezed my hand tight and we smiled at each other. 
The ultrasound ended and I jumped off the table so I could empty my bladder which I was sure was going to burst. I ran to the bathroom and instantly felt dizzy. I was devastated. I could not control my emotions. I shed a quick tear in the bathroom but quickly pulled together. I returned to the room but I could not catch my breath. I started having pain in my abdomen and I thought I was going to throw up. I was physically sick. My blood pressure was dropping. I could feel it. Nick retrieved the nurse who took my blood pressure and instructed me to take deep breaths. I drank a little OJ and according to the nurse, I returned some color to my face. I started to feel better within minutes but my insides were turning. The doctor scolded me and said I needed to eat more in the morning. Little did he know that it was a bit of a psychosomatic episode.

The doctor left the room and I turned to Nick. He was disappointed. I was devastated. I cried. I bawled my eyes out. Right there in the doctors office. My baby was perfect. Two arms, two legs, great heartbeat, and dancing all around my belly. But she had a vagina. 
A freaking vagina.

We climbed in the car and I cried some more. I just couldn't control it. I was carrying a baby girl! What about my boy! What about the nautical nursery and the sports! What the heck would I name her! What if she wants to do gymnastics?! I don't know anything about gymnastics. What if she wants to be a cheerleader! Ahh! A cheerleader living in my house. Doing cheers and being all perky. What if she wants boy advice or asks which shirt matches her pants? Or wants to wear makeup. Seriously, I was hysterical thinking of all the terrible things that are associated with being a girl. 

What if she hates me?

Of course she will hate me, I am her mother. 

Cue more and more tears. 

I was like this for about a week. Literally thinking of every thing that could possibly go wrong with this child and crying because of it. Boys were so easy! We are a sports family. We like to be outside and go to Cavs games and watch the Browns on Sunday. Nick and Isaac fish in the summer and we love to do bonfires in the fall. This poor girl was getting the short end of the stick. 
She had a vagina. 

I called my best friend and she was able to talk me down to Earth a bit. Of course, she was the mother of two boys who would love nothing more then to have a little girl. Here I am crying over a vagina when she would love to take this baby girl off my hands. 
Cue more tears. 

I was being incredibly selfish. I knew it. It did not change the fact that I had all of my eggs in the boy basket and was handed the girl basket. 
Deep down, I had hoped she would pop out a he. This had to be a mistake.
Am I sounding crazy yet? Because I was literally out of my mind for about a week. 
The kind of crazy that had to be contained. And quickly.

I am not sure when it all set in that having a baby girl was not going to suck as bad as I thought.
Maybe it was realizing that my own disappointment was feeding off the assumed disappointment of other people, who were not disappointed. Nick wasn't disappointed. Isaac wasn't either. There was no reason to really be upset. It was actually really ridiculous. She was healthy. I was happy. We were starting our family. Marlee would be her name. We were having a baby girl named Marlee. A baby girl that would be loved and doted over everyday forever. Half me and half Nick. It was everything we ever wanted. 
Vagina or not. 

And now I look at her and she is so beautiful. She looks like just like me. My worst fear - having a little one that looks like me. I mean how creepy, right? But those big brown eyes and perfectly round face and dark brown hair - melts my heart. Everyday. And to see Nick love all over her and Isaac make her laugh really makes my family feel so whole. 



We were blessed with a healthy baby girl and I can now look back on all this and laugh. We still have time to be blessed with a boy but for now, Marlee is my baby. 
My baby girl.